Since being back home and having no lead on a job in my field yet, I have been mildly depressed. I was really hoping that my internship would have led to a job out on the west side of the state but, I was sadly mistaken. It was very hard to come back home with no potential job in my field because I see most of my friends/family doing something awesome, and it made me feel like a complete failure. A college graduate who has no job in her field that she went to school for, woo. I didn’t want to be another statistic, I didn’t want society to be a burden on my back, but it happened and it put me in a state of depression. I felt like I couldn’t get a job, that I wouldn’t succeed at all, that I should have my life together because I am 24 almost 25 like everyone else around me, and I would not be able to achieve my dreams. I was not fun to be around and I know that but, I tried to put the struggles behind me and it was hard when I had family asking me about my life, mainly if I had a job yet and I had to fight back the tears, I still do. Here’s another burst of honesty, ever since being home, I have cried almost every other day because of this slump of depression that I am in. It is not easy to go to a university, graduate and then not get a job and live up to your own standards and societies, it is extremely hard. I can feel myself slowly starting to get out of my depression by hanging out with friends and appreciating the life I have and knowing that something will eventually give. Depression is a bitch and it is very hard to be positive and motivated to go towards things you want but, here I am and I’m making it through this and have applied to four or five jobs in my field and six part-time/full-time jobs to save money. Two that are in my field emailed me back and said they would get back to me if they felt that I was a fit, one was in GA and the other in LA, and nothing back from the money saving jobs… There is a point to this long story I promise, I just felt like sharing my struggles since being in the post-grad life first, then lead up to why I am talking about this, so here we go…
While being in the state of depression I had no appetite at all, and when I did, it was all the bad food and I knew I could not cave into those cravings. On top of depression, I was and still am stressed out to the max trying to find a job, when I am stressed out I don’t eat so, this is just a terrible combination all together. Not eating can cause organs to shut off, lose weight in an unhealthy way or even gain weight, massive headaches, I mean the list goes on… I knew that what I was doing was bad and I had to attempt to eat something healthy or force myself to eat, it came to forcing myself to eat something; I would still work out. I am still sort of struggling with having an appetite but it has gotten better since being home the first week. I am closer to being back to eating the correct portion sizes (I was/am eating way smaller portion sizes), not eating after six, drinking a lot of water and like I stated earlier, working out (yoga, running, and pilates). I have only had really two cheat days since being home and I didn’t mind it, I just worked out the next day or whatever.
Trying to be happy when you’re not, is hard and I forgot how draining it is because I had to do it before a long time ago, I never thought I would be back in that place in my early 20’s, but here I am in a milder state of it. I guess this post was a venting piece, possibly reaching out to see if others have been in this spot before or reaching out to others that are in this spot, and know that it will get better if you keep pushing through everything.
I can’t think of anything else to say without it sounding like I am rambling on.
(I found the images and melded them together in Photoshop)